Getting Honest With Myself

I am ready for the warmer weather. Today I came home from church and Bible study and I spent 1 ½ hours shoveling the walks and driveways. It was a nice workout for me! My hands and elbows will be sore tomorrow, but it sure feels great today. It gave me time to just ponder, think, pray and be by myself; kind of in my own little cocoon. I guess it is the same way when I am at the "Y" and lifting weights, biking, walking, etc. The feeling afterwards is so invigorating. If I could just bottle that contentment and make it last all day long I'm sure I would find it very easy to stay centered and stay away from eating just to eat and not because I am hungry. I just haven't mastered that yet.

I have been thinking about my frustrations in the last 6-9 months or more. In those frustrations lies this thought. I am fearful of failing. All my life anything I have set out to do or accomplish and started with enthusiasm and determination has fizzled out. I have given up on it when the "buzz" wore off. In 6^th grade I wanted a guitar. My parents got me one and for that school year I took lessons and practiced. I would sit on the screened in porch in the winter time with a winter coat on and freeze while I practiced so I wouldn't disturb anyone in the house (especially my sister who shared my room, or maybe I shared her room). Once the school year was over and the lessons ceased, so did my dedication. Also that year I wanted a unicycle. My parents got that for me for Christmas. I learned to ride it on ice. I couldn't wait for warmer weather to learn so I took it outside on the ice on Christmas day and began to teach myself to ride it. I got good enough to ride it on the basketball court (actually playing basketball at the same time). I could ride it on dirt roads and make a few bucks at school before everyone figured out I could ride it and should not bet me otherwise. It was a profitable day for sure! Well, when the wheel broke down it got put in a shed and finally was tossed. I could give so many other examples from talents in sports to classes taken. My enthusiasm determined my dedication and therefore when the enthusiasm wavered so did my dedication. So my fear is as my enthusiasm continues to waver (the honeymoon phase is certainly over) I fear my dedication will to. This is not a project, a phase or an interest. This is my life! I fear of becoming almost 300 pounds again. I have now lost 111 pounds since surgery and I am proud of that. I have worked hard and it is getting harder. I had a goal, but Dr Hachem says I won't make it to that goal. So I have revamped that goal and am shooting for his goal, for now! Once I make it there I will shoot for something else. I feel the benefits of all this. Better health, easier mobility and abilities to do things I have not been able to do in years (shoveling snow). I see the result with my clothing - 4x-5x shirts are now XL. My pant waist is 12" smaller and I need smaller pants, but not yet. I will just have to live with the baggie until I get so frustrated I will be forced to buy smaller. Maybe in the spring (when I shed my winter coat). So you see I have come a long way, but the "buzz" is wearing off and I fear my dedication is too.

My dear friend, Shawna pointed out I am not a failure. She said I have not bailed out on everything in my life. I have been a dispatcher for 21 years and the novelty of that has certainly worn off. I have held onto friendships long after they have been beneficial or many times healthy for me. I have given to others beyond what I received, but to me that is how it is supposed to be. She says I am like everyone else. It is normal to lose the thrill factor in life, but I still plug on. I need to lower my standard for myself and accept things as they fall. I need to work it a day at a time and not a big goal at a time. That is so hard for me to do. This is because of the failure factor. The fear of being what I once was. I can't go back there!

So I guess I will have to learn to lean on God more. That too is a tough one for me. I want to KNOW He is there. I want to KNOW it not just through knowledge, but through feelings. I am such a feeling person (as are most females). I have to learn to trust God more and rely on the knowledge factor. I have been reading a book that talks about my experience with God will not be the same as someone else's, or my perception of someone else's. So I am trying to let go, turn loose of the reins of control and give God the space He needs in order for me to get closer to Him. I've moved, He hasn't. In that growth I will see the decrease of myself. I think I have been too focused on myself. In that growth I will be less fearful of failure. Oh the lessons of life are never easy are they? To learn to accept the mundane when the exuberant feelings have lessened. God help me accept the now and not judge it by the past. Stay focused on the goal, but centered on God. Sounds like I have my work cut out for me.

Love isn't what I have the opportunity to get from this world.

Love is what I have the opportunity to give.