Today was a HORRIBLE day!!! I think I know for the 1st time what a hangover must feel like. I went shopping and I ate a Heath candy bar then a little later I had a Sonic ice cream cone. (the cone itself tasted great). Right now I feel like what someone with a hangover must feel like. All my energy is gone, flat out none remains. My stomach feels like it has been extended past a Thanksgiving stuffing! As for my guilt, well, we won’t even go there. Why? Why, oh why? I know better. If only I can remember this feeling when the next time comes. I am so frustrated with me! I know; it is just one day, just one slip, move on! But does is really change? Do you ever get to the point where you can talk yourself out of the want and remember the reality of the situation? I’m no different than before surgery. I am still eating what I shouldn’t. Get me back to the “honeymoon phase” when I didn’t want any of it! I know, it isn’t going to happen, so I have to find some way to rely on the tools, especially my reasoning skills. Start over from now, not tomorrow, but NOW.
I don’t even enjoy eating. Nothing tastes as good as I anticipate. It doesn’t taste as good after I eat it---maybe I should say the taste satiety isn’t long lasting and it becomes disappointing. Like today I thought a Heath bar sounded good. Now I knew I didn’t need it, shouldn’t have it and it was wrong to eat it, but I couldn’t get past the will power or lack of will power to get beyond the “need” to eat it. Or the romanticizing I did about its taste. So I had it. It wasn’t as tasty as I anticipated and the taste didn’t last beyond the swallow. So I was disappointed. Disappointed in the candy bar and disappointed in myself. Then the guilt set in. It seems to be an endless cycle some days.
So I start again from this moment and pray God gives me the strength to do better. 1st I have to rely on Him and that is where I fall. I know I can’t do it on my own, but I am too stubborn to hand it over to Him. He is waiting for me to do it. He is faithful. I know this in my head, but to get it in my thoughts and actions is the struggle. To my fellow WLS friends, sorry I am not more encouraging. Just know I understand your struggles. I feel your pain and frustrations. I know the tough-ness of the journey we walk. But we are better off since surgery than before (health-wise if no other area). Keep the faith, rely on the stability of where you are. You aren’t gaining big pounds. I keep in my foresight the fact I am fairly stable in the weight (3-5 pounds) and I may never be any lighter. Readjust, re-assess and live in today. Sounds good, huh?
I am slowly losing. Not like I would like, but I might make my goal. I don’t know that I will be able to maintain there, but I want to get there and see what happens. I’m afraid my natural weight may be higher than I want it. I refuse to knock myself out mentally or emotionally trying to stay at a weight my body isn’t willing to work with. But for now, I will shoot for the goal and give myself credit for the progress. Give myself room for the falls. Learn from them and go on. Don’t allow them to be a permanent stumbling block. No one is perfect and that is what I have been shooting for. There lies the biggest stumbling block of all. God give me the strength to allow myself the same latitude I give others. But give me the motivation to shoot for the stars.
Fortitude gets you to the finish line