Sunday, October 25, 2009

NEED to Want

Apathy = A passive force that lulls you to sleep. It can be an aggressive force that works to prevent you from keeping what is most meaningful and important. Apathy causes you to lose what you want most.

The fire within dies as the actions without die.

Sometimes our GREATEST weakness is our success. We get comfortable and settled. We rely on our success to pull us through our future goals. We rest on our laurels.

Comfort over sacrifice. I’m healthy so let’s just stop working it. We stop working it because our surgery has been doing the work. How long will that work propel us to success in the future?

As the success slows down and slowly dies we must refocus. We must stoke the actions to reignite the fire. What actions am I talking about?
Healthy eating
Wise food choices
64 oz of water
Proper amounts of protein
Proper amounts of carbs
Proper amounts of calories
Proper portion sizes
Pouch rules

Stoke those actions and the fire to success in order to meet the goals will be flamed and ablaze once again.

I NEED to have a WANT. I need to want to succeed. I need to want to work it. I need to want to be honest with myself. I need to want to reach new goals. I need to want all these more than I want what I think I need. I need to figure out what is a need for my body and what is a want for my mind. I have started emotional eating more as time passes. It is so easy to get lax in my success and think it will continue without the effort it took to get there.

Live the new lifestyle. Embrace it as a way of life and not another diet I must follow in order to succeed. Allow food to become a means to life, but not as a life of it own. I have become so consumed with food thoughts I have forgotten to live. I worry about what I should eat, what I have eaten, what I need to eat, when I will eat next, should I eat next and so much more. I feel like I am back to square one before surgery. I hate the counting and measuring, but I have to realize this is just the process of life for anyone. Once you become proficient with it you don’t have to count and measure, but you look and know. Getting to that point is frustrating, but I have to remember it is part of the process.

I have struggled for many months now. When I had surgery and for the 1st nine months it was easy to be motivated, inspired and enthusiastic. As time goes by and the comfortableness of success settles in the laxness and laziness of life creeps back in as well. The old habits become comfortable again. The alertness fades and the mindfulness is taken over by the mindless. My actions are often performed before I realize they have been. So for another week my goal is to become more mindful of what I think, feel and do. I will focus on the goals at hand and remember it took me months to get here and it won’t be overnight I will get back to where I want to be.

First I have to figure out what my need is and make it my want. I know where I need to be headed. Now to figure out how to make that need more of a want than the want of the moment.

I apologize to you who have looked to me for inspiration. The last few months haven’t been inspiring to you or me. I am struggling just to remain above water-to remain afloat. I have watched my weight decrease and increase within the same 3-5 pounds for months. I have been frustrated with my progress or lack thereof. I have been frustrated with not being able to get a grip on my cravings, my actions, me choices, my wants. I have felt like a failure. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to continue to reign on the top and fly with the eagles. Instead I am walking the walk of the ordinary and I must face the choices I have to make and make them for the best I can be. Hang with me and I pray I will figure out what the want needs to be and make it a need I want to achieve. I pray it becomes more of a desire than the desire to eat the wrong thing, not exercise hard enough, make the wrong choices, and become apathetic to the goals. I will try to stoke the fire and bring the desires ablaze and work for success to become more important than the instant gratification of the moment. I will work towards “eating to live and not living to eat.”

“Youth may be admired for vigor, but gray hair gives prestige to old age.” Proverbs 20:29

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Warmer Weather Warmer Outlook

Warmer weather has brought warmer thoughts. I have spent the last 2 weeks fairly sick. I have not been able to exercise due to no energy and trying to get in a little extra sleep. I don’t look for that to change much this week. I am on my 2nd round of antibiotics and they do seem to be helping. It is just the normal fall cold, but in my case it kicked me hard. The first week I missed 3 days of work. I never miss work, so I had to be very sick. The second week I struggled to make it through the full days of work, but there are several of us out sick, so I felt if I could do the job I needed to be there. Now this week is a 4 day week then I start vacation, so if I can just plug through until the end! Coughing is still the biggest factor and it can wear you out.

I placed 3rd in the top 5 females at the Salina YMCA Pound Plunge. Of course I feel a little guilty because I lost the 8 pounds because I was sick and ate chicken and noodle soup 3 days. I won a certificate for a premium salad at McDonalds. At least the prize is something healthy. Maybe I’ll check out a grilled chicken salad with dressing on the side. I weighed this week thinking I would gain 4-5 pounds because I ate “normal” food this week. I must have been intelligent about it because I only gained 2 pounds. So I will plug along and strive to lose and get back on top.

The warmer weather is encouraging! It makes one want to get out and walk, rock in the rocker on the front porch, throw a football, move about, rake leaves (okay, maybe I’m going overboard there), but it does encourage some positive desires to a healthier movement. I just hate that the cold is just around the corner. I doubt I find the same enthusiasm for shoveling show, walking in the snow, rocking in the snow, etc. The “Y” will have to be my exercise base.

I am still doing a better job of listening to my pouch and it’s signaling me that I am getting full. I seem to be back on track to know when to stop, even if all the food isn’t off my plate yet. That had become a big issue for me in the last few months. I feel like I am back at step one in some ways with the new lifestyle. I guess that is all part of life, starting over and gaining strength again and again. I have been making better food choices and portion choices the last week. I still have a long way to go to get back to my original enthusiasm and consciousness of eating healthy, but I am walking in the right direction again.

Thank you to everyone for your support. When one gets down and frustrated it is hard to get back over the hump. In the last few months I am sure you have noticed that frustration and lack of positive outlook. I know I have and have hated it! I hope I am finally pointed back in the right direction and getting on the right track. Thank you for hanging in there for me! I know I have a long way to go, but one step at a time. This week found a small gain in weight, but also a small leap in reserve and momentum. I just have to remember to look up and rely on the one that can do it-God!

When I say "No way." God says, "My way".

Sunday, October 11, 2009

New Vision

Wow, it’s been 2 weeks since I have blogged. I just hadn’t felt like it 2 weeks ago. I had no inspiration for anyone. The week before that was a simple “No words of wisdom, inspirations or enlightment this week. Just breathing in and breathing out.” At that point that was all I was able to do. Then the next week I was computer-less due to switching internet providers and major difficulty in getting both computers hooked up and working. I was ready to declare defeat and be a computer-less family. We have finally gotten both computers up and running (once a computer tech came out and “counseled” the router and modem. They refused to communicate with each other. They have been set straight.).

This week was plagued with poor health. I got the famous “knock you on your butt common cold”. No H1N1 flu bug. Just an old fashioned in your nose on your chest common cold. I am not one to take off work. If I can do my job, I am there. Well, this week ended with my last 3 workdays in bed. I even had to miss my IWLS support meeting in Junction City. I hated that! This is the 1st day I have been up all day and feel fairly good. I would say “normal”, but just what is normal? There is an up side to being sick---lose weight. I lost 10 pounds in the last 3 days. It is amazing what a straight diet of chicken & noodle soup will do. I don’t recommend it as a way of life, but when it is the only thing that sounds good and tastes great, it is the way to go. Just imagine if I had had the strength to exercise! I still don’t have the energy to exercise and will play it day by day. I’m anxious to get back to the “Y”, but won’t push myself backwards.

Now to get back in the routine of eating and eating healthy. I feel a little better and think I may be on a roll. I don’t want to disrupt the momentum by eating unintelligently. Maybe I need to plan a week of liquid diet every so often. It gives my pouch a rest. I ate “regular” food tonight and found I felt full with less food and listened to the pouch much more intently than I have been in some time. Old habits had been sneaking in. I pray I will continue to call the old habits on the carpet and walk the other way. I pray I will continue to listen to my pouch before it screams abuse. I only have 12 pounds to lose by January now. This week will be the test now that I feel like eating something beside soup. God lead me. “Jesus, Take The Wheel”.

I think I have realized when I get into a rut or routine that is unhealthy I need to stop, take a step back and reevaluate immediately. It is so easy to procrastinate. It is especially easy for a perfectionist because there is the fear of failing “again”. See I failed when I reverted to the old habits, so to try to change them and fail at changing back to the good habits is a double fail. The mind is a crazy thing. If I just was strong enough to turn it over to God and let him…..Maybe this small health set back was the only way He was able to say, “Yo, DeAnn, I’m here. I’m in control. Let it go and let me.”

Surgery is the most positive thing I have done in my life behind accepting Christ. To throw it all away for old bad habits and think it made me feel better is my 1st mistake. Feelings are momentary and situational. The healthy eating, healthy lifestyle filled with exercise, good food, positive thinking and positive momentum is the only way. Being led by God in that journey is where I made my progress for a year. I chose to take it all back to my own doing. I guess I didn’t take care of it myself too well, huh? So today we start a new journey. I will pick up where I left off—holding tight to God and letting him lead me. “Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own”

It will require from me to keep my calories in correct amount, keeping my carbs at 30g a meal (not an item), my protein at 70-85 a day. The protein is not a problem for me. Yes I can tolerate sugar, but I can’t eat it. Therefore 6g or less of sugar. It is up to me to rely on God by asking him to keep my emotional eating and my emotional warfare (guilt, rationalizing, giving in, etc) in tact. Only he can do it! Control by my own means is only an illusion. I lose every time.

I am at step one again. Clean slate, clear goals, clean plate! A smaller plate with real portions and purer foods.

Let the journey reconvene.

I never encountered it.
All I ever met were temporary setbacks.
~Dottie Walters~