A Fair Trade Off

A Fair Trade Off                            2/28/10

This week has been a week of challenges. I have been having problems with high blood pressure. I was able to get off my blood pressure medication in June 2009 thanks to losing my weight and exercising. My lifestyle brought on the great news of no more blood pressure medications!! Well the last 4 months my blood pressure has been high. This week I went to the doctor for my B-12 shot and once again my BP was extremely high. So she wanted me to have an appointment to talk about it. I was feeling like such a failure because I couldn't stay off of medications. I felt it was because of my "sliding" back into bad habits of eating. Well, she told me not to worry, be concerned about or be frustrated with going back on medications. It was obvious to her my lifestyle got me off the medication and it is obvious to her it is not my lifestyle that is making me return to taking medications. She said sometimes our bodies do not function as they should. It may be largely due to hereditary means. So we have to rely on medications to put the body in sync with itself.

Ronda had been telling me the same thing. She had said to not worry and not beat myself up. Once again, Ronda is right and her encouragement was right on key. I've often talked about the support I get from IWLS staff. Ronda, Pam and Jennifer are the jewels of the program. They truly do care! Thank you guys! Thank you for always being there and always willing to take the time to encourage, inform, instruct and care.

So it is a fair trade off to allow my mind to rest and feel safe with taking medication again. I can't control it with my diet or exercise. I can't control it with my worry and concern. I must, as Ronda pointed out, accept how God is providing for me, by sending doctors, their knowledge and medications to me to correct the problem.

This journey of the last 19 months has been challenging, rewarding and intriguing. God has provided people; family, friends and professionals to help me face those challenges and celebrate those rewards. I shall continue to look to Him to guide me through them.

 

Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil.

It has no point.

Getting Honest With Myself

I am ready for the warmer weather. Today I came home from church and Bible study and I spent 1 ½ hours shoveling the walks and driveways. It was a nice workout for me! My hands and elbows will be sore tomorrow, but it sure feels great today. It gave me time to just ponder, think, pray and be by myself; kind of in my own little cocoon. I guess it is the same way when I am at the "Y" and lifting weights, biking, walking, etc. The feeling afterwards is so invigorating. If I could just bottle that contentment and make it last all day long I'm sure I would find it very easy to stay centered and stay away from eating just to eat and not because I am hungry. I just haven't mastered that yet.

I have been thinking about my frustrations in the last 6-9 months or more. In those frustrations lies this thought. I am fearful of failing. All my life anything I have set out to do or accomplish and started with enthusiasm and determination has fizzled out. I have given up on it when the "buzz" wore off. In 6^th grade I wanted a guitar. My parents got me one and for that school year I took lessons and practiced. I would sit on the screened in porch in the winter time with a winter coat on and freeze while I practiced so I wouldn't disturb anyone in the house (especially my sister who shared my room, or maybe I shared her room). Once the school year was over and the lessons ceased, so did my dedication. Also that year I wanted a unicycle. My parents got that for me for Christmas. I learned to ride it on ice. I couldn't wait for warmer weather to learn so I took it outside on the ice on Christmas day and began to teach myself to ride it. I got good enough to ride it on the basketball court (actually playing basketball at the same time). I could ride it on dirt roads and make a few bucks at school before everyone figured out I could ride it and should not bet me otherwise. It was a profitable day for sure! Well, when the wheel broke down it got put in a shed and finally was tossed. I could give so many other examples from talents in sports to classes taken. My enthusiasm determined my dedication and therefore when the enthusiasm wavered so did my dedication. So my fear is as my enthusiasm continues to waver (the honeymoon phase is certainly over) I fear my dedication will to. This is not a project, a phase or an interest. This is my life! I fear of becoming almost 300 pounds again. I have now lost 111 pounds since surgery and I am proud of that. I have worked hard and it is getting harder. I had a goal, but Dr Hachem says I won't make it to that goal. So I have revamped that goal and am shooting for his goal, for now! Once I make it there I will shoot for something else. I feel the benefits of all this. Better health, easier mobility and abilities to do things I have not been able to do in years (shoveling snow). I see the result with my clothing - 4x-5x shirts are now XL. My pant waist is 12" smaller and I need smaller pants, but not yet. I will just have to live with the baggie until I get so frustrated I will be forced to buy smaller. Maybe in the spring (when I shed my winter coat). So you see I have come a long way, but the "buzz" is wearing off and I fear my dedication is too.

My dear friend, Shawna pointed out I am not a failure. She said I have not bailed out on everything in my life. I have been a dispatcher for 21 years and the novelty of that has certainly worn off. I have held onto friendships long after they have been beneficial or many times healthy for me. I have given to others beyond what I received, but to me that is how it is supposed to be. She says I am like everyone else. It is normal to lose the thrill factor in life, but I still plug on. I need to lower my standard for myself and accept things as they fall. I need to work it a day at a time and not a big goal at a time. That is so hard for me to do. This is because of the failure factor. The fear of being what I once was. I can't go back there!

So I guess I will have to learn to lean on God more. That too is a tough one for me. I want to KNOW He is there. I want to KNOW it not just through knowledge, but through feelings. I am such a feeling person (as are most females). I have to learn to trust God more and rely on the knowledge factor. I have been reading a book that talks about my experience with God will not be the same as someone else's, or my perception of someone else's. So I am trying to let go, turn loose of the reins of control and give God the space He needs in order for me to get closer to Him. I've moved, He hasn't. In that growth I will see the decrease of myself. I think I have been too focused on myself. In that growth I will be less fearful of failure. Oh the lessons of life are never easy are they? To learn to accept the mundane when the exuberant feelings have lessened. God help me accept the now and not judge it by the past. Stay focused on the goal, but centered on God. Sounds like I have my work cut out for me.

Love isn't what I have the opportunity to get from this world.

Love is what I have the opportunity to give.

Change It Up

What was I thinking? I went to my trainer at the YMCA and told her I didn't feel my exercise plan was doing anything. I felt like it was just a routine and not accomplishing anything. She got excited (should have been my 1^st clue) about designing a new circuit for me. So several days later we had an appointment to go over the new circuit. The 1^st day I did it on my own it was the lower body workout. The 2^nd day was the upper body workout. I alternate those each day, so Monday and Wednesday is upper and Tuesday/Thursday is lower. Well, I did the lower body that 1^st Tuesday. I hadn't had a workout like that for months. I hadn't sweat like that since I "fell off" the floor mat in Pilates last year. I had a true workout and it felt wonderful!

Wednesday morning at 1:49am I woke up needing to make a visit to the bathroom. I rolled over and groaned. Oh my, the workout was evident and painful. I obviously had made some much under used muscles very angry. I made it to the bathroom before an accident transformed. I went back to bed. The alarm clock went off at the usual 5:45am call. I thought, "Oh my, DeAnn, you don't want to go workout this morning." "Oh yes DeAnn, you must." "No I can't. I hurt." "No DeAnn you only feel some pain in the lower extremities of your body and today is the upper workout and it doesn't hurt." Well, I guess the point was made because I arose and went to the "Y". Well, once again after my workout I felt wonderful from the intense movements in my circuit. I thought the true test would be Thursday morning. Well, Thursday did roll around and I rolled over at 5:45am and groaned. My muscles were crying out in rebellion. I ignored them and got out of bed and made it to the "Y". I now was back to the lower body workout. Yes, some muscles were still in rebellion, but I whipped them into movement. By the end of the workout I was sweating and panting and having a wonderful time. Who would have thought exercise would be so welcome and "enjoyable"? The hard part is getting out of bed and getting to the "Y"; especially in COLD weather. Once there and moving, completing the circuit and walking out to go home, it feels so good.

The results from the exercising have spurred me on. My weigh-in on Saturday was the best I have had in months. I lost 2.8 pounds and I am once again back to the lowest weight I've been (Oct 10, 2009). I pray it is a roll that will continue and I am back on the road to progress. Changing up the routine made the difference in more ways than one. It helped rev up the body and also spurred me to be a little more conscious of my eating. I'm not as good as I once was, but I am making progress I think.

 

Dear God: I have a problem. Sometimes, it's me.

Steps to the footprint

Today's message at church took me on a journey of several thoughts. I will take you down a couple of those paths. The pastor talked about footprints. I visualized the Footprints poem of when there is only one set of footprints and it is Jesus' prints because he is carrying us until we are able to walk on our own. The other visualization came from the picture my pastor painted. Visualize a freshly fallen snow. It is so fresh and beautiful. Visualize yourself as a child following your father. He takes a step and there lies his footprint in the snow; one after the other. His stride is longer than your stride, but you are determined to walk in his prints. You walk behind him trying to step within his footprint. You start out following inside the print with little difficulty, but as you go along and become tired and your effort becomes weary, you find it harder to step far enough to get within the print. Soon you find yourself leaping to make the distance. Soon you become wearier and those leaps are harder to perform so your landing isn't inside the print, but on the edge and eventually not quite inside the prints. Your goal remains in site—following your father and walking in his prints, but the steps to get there become harder and sometimes there is a misstep. It takes two steps to get to one print. Yet you keep trying, leaping, walking and forging forward.

Sometimes we feel we fall short of the goal. It takes continuous discipline to endure the race. We start out with the goal in sight and the steps planned and the determination to dance the dance. As we walk we can grow weary, our steps start to stumble and our resolve grows weak. BUT our sights are still on the goal-we still leap to take the steps we need to take to work towards the goal. No matter how short we fall we keep leaping to reach the next step towards the ultimate goal. Sometimes it takes 4-5 steps to get back into step with the original goal. You don't give up because of your "shortness", but you step the steps that can lead you back to the goal. Each day we work towards the goal no matter how far we fall. Keep leaping, keep stepping, and keep moving forward; keep disciplined.

The goal doesn't change but sometimes the steps to the goal must be adjusted. The progress will win through the process of steps, leaps, stumbles and falls. They key is to get back up, double step and keep focus on the footprints.

 

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling 
							

but in rising every time we fall."

     ~ Confucius~

Falling

I did not fail, but I fell. I know this is a play on words, but it is also a way to look at the stumbles we make in life. Each stumble leads us to our destination. As long as we get back up and keep on trying, we have not failed. We may have fallen, for a moment, but we did not fail.

I have struggled with feeling like I am off track with so many things in my life right now. It just seems like life is passing me by in some ways. I just don't have a grip on things like I used to or like I want. Therefore I often times feel like I fell. I know in my head each stumble is a learning stepping stone. It is just hard to keep that in view when I stumble. I get excited about things and when it doesn't go as planned, I get disappointed and frustrated. I want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. BUT I know each of those disappointments are a means to become stronger. I am not just talking about the weight loss. I am talking about life in general. God places certain obstacles in our way to help us rely on Him and allow Him to pull us up. As we fall, He is there to reach out and upright us and point us in the right direction. So as I stumble and fall I will remember I have not failed unless I refuse to get back up and carry on. One stumble is just a detour. There are speed bumps all along the road of life and I must learn to take them in stride.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling

but in rising every time we fall."

     ~ Confucius~~~~~