Stagnation

"not develop or make progress—to fail to develop, progress or make necessary changes; stop flowing—to stop moving; become inactive—to become listless and inactive". Yes, that certainly defines how I have been feeling.

This week a very special person in my life said to me, "they don't need inspiration.  They need to hear you where you are because that is where they are." When I began this blog it was to keep my friends and family updated on my journey. It also developed into a following for other patients. I have wanted to be an inspiration and when I haven't felt inspired I haven't written. Well, I don't know how inspiring this week will be to anyone, but it is certainly a portrait of where I am.

I have been so frustrated and discouraged lately. It just seems like all I do is eat. I told Ronda (IWLS) I don't get my needed daily water in because I have to wait an hour after eating to drink and means I eat all the time there isn't an hour between. I kept a food log a week ago and it seems like from 2pm-5pm and 8pm-10pm I ate all the time. One thing to the next. Not because I was hungry, but because I was bored and the food was there so I ate it. It wouldn't be so bad if what I was eating was celery, carrots, etc., but it is cookies, crackers, candy, ice cream (Skinny Cow at least), etc. I am so sorry I ever took that first bite of the "forbidden foods". That ugly sinister voice saying "Just one bite won't hurt." Well, it was wrong, it did hurt! It lasted longer than the time the bite took and the time it took for the calories to be worked off. It has lasted for months. That one "little bite" has become a little bite over and over every day, many times throughout the day for many months. The taste of the food wasn't even pleasurable. Many times I didn't even remember eating it. There are so many "old" habits I have gotten into. Eating too much, eating the wrong foods, eating all the time (commonly known as grazing), eating too fast, etc. The nasty Carb creature has certainly taken over my new lifestyle and pushed me back into the old lifestyle. Now to look up out of this dark pit and focus on the small penlight I can still see at the top. Hope is not vanished. Inspiration is rumbling in the pit of my soul. I just have to focus my ears on the positive; on the possibilities I once ran towards. I will set new goals which may be the same goals I had in the beginning of this journey. I will follow plans to fulfill those goals. I will succeed. I will be a winner! I will overcome and reignite my resolve to be the best I can be and not be just another statistic of failure or a statistic of stagnation…

I have worked so hard to get this far. I still work hard with my exercising, but it is like wasted time if I don't change my eating habits. I am too stubborn to give up on the exercising. I thank God for that. Who said perfectionism is a curse? It is the only redeeming trait that has kept me moving and working hard. Exercising always makes me feel good (pain and all), but it hasn't been as effective as it could have been means I eat inappropriately.

I just have to remember, as Nicole C Mullen sings: "Call On Jesus"

"But when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call"

I can't rely on will power or my own abilities. I have to look up and call.

 

 

Love is a tricky thing. 

Our hearts were created to crave it.