My life can be summed up in one word---circle. There is no separation of beginning and ending. 2 ½ years ago I underwent gastric bypass surgery to improve my heath. I lost over 100 pounds and I "suddenly" threw the progress away on a whim. That whim was centered on eating the wrong thing(s). It is like a merry-go-round that I can't step off of. I know what I need to do, but can't seem to take the step to do it. I know what I was like prior to July 21, 2008. I see where I could be headed if I don't get a handle on this unhealthy ride. The dizziness of the circular motion is overwhelming, frustrating and daunting. I've heard the 2 year mark can happen like this. I just never dreamed I would be part of this group of gropers, struggling to remain on top.
I don’t know for sure how to stop the spiral circular motion I find myself in. So I am changing the cycle all together. I am changing hours at work which in turn will change my routines I have come to rely on. I think the routines have allowed me to become stagnant in life and what I expect from life. It will change my working times, my eating patterns, my exercising patterns, my sleeping patterns and other areas too. My days off will change by month instead of the perpetual Sunday/Monday off I have had for several years now. This will challenge me to no longer take my spiritual life for granted. I won’t be able to attend church but one month in the next 6 months. So I will have to use other avenues to fill my spiritual needs. I have become reliant on going to church Sunday mornings and I believe it has just become a routine to me. I hope this will renew my faith and intensify my focus.
As 2011 begins I am focusing on one aspect at a time to get myself back in the race. Focusing on all things needing changed would be overwhelming and would lead to the feeling of hopelessness. So for now I will work on eating healthy. I will take specific steps to that goal. When I get that down I will move on to the next goal. I knew going into surgery in 2008 that this was not a cure all and would not be easy. I remember thinking "are they serious about only eating a cup of food at a time?" I remember thinking, “I won’t have to worry about food again.” I have discovered both are falsehoods. I can eat more than a cup at a time, so I need to be conscious of my portion size. I do have to think about food (what I eat and the amount I eat). Well, now I need to get back to the basics and get moving in the right direction. I know I can do it, I have before. My "want power" has to outweigh my "will power".
So as I move forward in 2011, I will look back at 2010 and remember where I stepped off the treadmill in forward and where it began moving backwards. I will focus my sight on the prize and attain it one step at a time. I know I will feel better and I will break the circular motion I am on. Here’s to 2011 and being realistic and dedicated to me and my health again.
"where there are no trials in life, there will be no triumphs."