A Lie In My Pocket

This week has been a week of reflections. I’m sure if I were to go back and read the last few months of my blog I would see a progressive decline in inspiration; at least on a personal level. I try to be positive and optimistic and inspirational to everyone else. Sometimes I fall short on the personal level. I tried to think of what I could do to get myself back on track. I have had a goal since July to lose 20 pounds by January 10th. That would average to just over 3 pounds a month. Well, in the last month I lost 1 pound. Not a positive inspirational moment by any means. So I thought about what I’ve been doing. To be honest, nothing! I can’t seem to get into counting the calories, decreasing the calories, counting the carbs, decreasing the carbs or making the wisest choices. I still am doing very well with the exercising. Well until the last 2 weeks. I pinched a nerve 2 weeks ago while at the “Y”. I was doing my normal routine with my normal weights. I must have been in poor form and turned my head at the wrong time because I pulled a muscle and pinched a nerve in my upper back (right shoulder blade area). I go to the chiropractor once a week for maintenance, but the last 2 weeks I have been there 7 times. I have been fairly miserable physically. I have not been able to exercise due to pain and time restraints in order to go to the chiropractor, get to work and fit in some quality sleeping hours. I miss exercising so bad I can almost taste sweat. Now that is scary coming from someone who classified the word exercise as profanity B.S. (before surgery). So my positive-ness has been on the low side for a few weeks. So I decided last week I needed to do something to kick myself back into the game. I brain stormed. I realized (like I didn’t already know this) that I can’t measure my success by pounds alone. So I set my sights on a project to view my progress by another means. I gathered some pictures I have been keeping since 1994. I put them in an “album” to try and show myself some progress. In 1994 I was actually fairly healthy looking and at a weight I’m sure I will never be down to again. It is beyond my target weight. In 1994 I really wasn’t all that healthy, but at least I looked it!

This project is a pictorial of me. I have driver’s license photos and we all know they do not lie! I have pictures specifically taken to show my front view and profile as I have been on this journey. I have looked at these pictures individually a million times. It wasn’t until this last week when I put it together in an album in succession that I can see the progress and success of my daily journey. I am still struggling with the fact I am not losing pounds. I am still frustrated with myself that I can’t seem to get motivated to live this new lifestyle to the best of my ability. I am still kicking myself daily for the poor daily choices I make in regards to foods. Foods I know I shouldn’t have, shouldn’t have that portion size, shouldn’t eat that fast, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t. I need to find a way to get motivated on a positive view. It seems I am stuck on the negative “shouldn’t” view. How do you do that? How do you jump to the positive side of thinking when the negative is so strong? I don’t have the answers but I intend to find out. I know the most important way is to rely on God and allow him to lead, guide and support. This involves giving up control. Giving up control of decisions when the choice you want to make is obvious, even to you, to be the wrong choice. That is when I need to rely on him the most. I know He will love me regardless of what I am because of whose I am. That must be my focus!

I guess we all go through the same processes and waves of inspiration regardless of the goals or situations in our lives. I guess I really am not any different than the next person. I just have a higher standard of expectations for myself than I do for the next person. Therefore it is easier to say the right things, encourage with inspiration and support others. I now need to turn that around and inspire myself. I need to say the right things and back it up with the right moves, the right decisions and the right choices. I need to kick myself in the butt and jump the hurdles of frustration. In all honesty, I know that is easier said on paper than done in reality. But I am going to give it the full sportsman try. Now to keep myself accountable—that is the tough job.

Actually this week I lost 3 pounds. I am at the lowest weight I have been since before I can remember. This brings me to the fact I no longer carry a lie in my pocket. I actually weigh what my driver’s license says I weigh. It hasn’t been truth for over 20 years!! Now to keep it there and keep the momentum going. I have to find the inspiration to stay away from the wrong foods and the wrong amounts. I have to find the will power to eat just when I am hungry and not because I am bored or because it is there. I have to view food as a sustainer instead of an entertainer. As Ronda says, I need to eat to live, not live to eat. That is a hard one to tackle and take down. I have often said I no longer find the joy in eating that I used to have. Nothing taste as good as it used to, so why do I find it so hard to give it up? I know, I know—emotional attachment; emotional eating.

So as I start a new chronological year, I will pray I find and use a new will power and inspiration. I pray I get back to the level of enthusiasm, dedication and focus of a year ago! As my friend Ronda says, “It is a new day and there is no room for yesterday in it.” As Katie Jay of NAWLS.com says, “Because the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing. We have a choice” My choice is to give myself credit for what I have done, focus on what I need to do and give myself permission to make the mistakes, but learn from them and move on. In the last year I have made some good choices and I have also begun to return to some bad habits. The old scripts are singing loudly on some days. I just need to hum a different tune.



In the course of life, you can’t do it alone.