Stagnation

"not develop or make progress—to fail to develop, progress or make necessary changes; stop flowing—to stop moving; become inactive—to become listless and inactive". Yes, that certainly defines how I have been feeling.

This week a very special person in my life said to me, "they don't need inspiration.  They need to hear you where you are because that is where they are." When I began this blog it was to keep my friends and family updated on my journey. It also developed into a following for other patients. I have wanted to be an inspiration and when I haven't felt inspired I haven't written. Well, I don't know how inspiring this week will be to anyone, but it is certainly a portrait of where I am.

I have been so frustrated and discouraged lately. It just seems like all I do is eat. I told Ronda (IWLS) I don't get my needed daily water in because I have to wait an hour after eating to drink and means I eat all the time there isn't an hour between. I kept a food log a week ago and it seems like from 2pm-5pm and 8pm-10pm I ate all the time. One thing to the next. Not because I was hungry, but because I was bored and the food was there so I ate it. It wouldn't be so bad if what I was eating was celery, carrots, etc., but it is cookies, crackers, candy, ice cream (Skinny Cow at least), etc. I am so sorry I ever took that first bite of the "forbidden foods". That ugly sinister voice saying "Just one bite won't hurt." Well, it was wrong, it did hurt! It lasted longer than the time the bite took and the time it took for the calories to be worked off. It has lasted for months. That one "little bite" has become a little bite over and over every day, many times throughout the day for many months. The taste of the food wasn't even pleasurable. Many times I didn't even remember eating it. There are so many "old" habits I have gotten into. Eating too much, eating the wrong foods, eating all the time (commonly known as grazing), eating too fast, etc. The nasty Carb creature has certainly taken over my new lifestyle and pushed me back into the old lifestyle. Now to look up out of this dark pit and focus on the small penlight I can still see at the top. Hope is not vanished. Inspiration is rumbling in the pit of my soul. I just have to focus my ears on the positive; on the possibilities I once ran towards. I will set new goals which may be the same goals I had in the beginning of this journey. I will follow plans to fulfill those goals. I will succeed. I will be a winner! I will overcome and reignite my resolve to be the best I can be and not be just another statistic of failure or a statistic of stagnation…

I have worked so hard to get this far. I still work hard with my exercising, but it is like wasted time if I don't change my eating habits. I am too stubborn to give up on the exercising. I thank God for that. Who said perfectionism is a curse? It is the only redeeming trait that has kept me moving and working hard. Exercising always makes me feel good (pain and all), but it hasn't been as effective as it could have been means I eat inappropriately.

I just have to remember, as Nicole C Mullen sings: "Call On Jesus"

"But when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call"

I can't rely on will power or my own abilities. I have to look up and call.

 

 

Love is a tricky thing. 

Our hearts were created to crave it. 

A Fair Trade Off

A Fair Trade Off                            2/28/10

This week has been a week of challenges. I have been having problems with high blood pressure. I was able to get off my blood pressure medication in June 2009 thanks to losing my weight and exercising. My lifestyle brought on the great news of no more blood pressure medications!! Well the last 4 months my blood pressure has been high. This week I went to the doctor for my B-12 shot and once again my BP was extremely high. So she wanted me to have an appointment to talk about it. I was feeling like such a failure because I couldn't stay off of medications. I felt it was because of my "sliding" back into bad habits of eating. Well, she told me not to worry, be concerned about or be frustrated with going back on medications. It was obvious to her my lifestyle got me off the medication and it is obvious to her it is not my lifestyle that is making me return to taking medications. She said sometimes our bodies do not function as they should. It may be largely due to hereditary means. So we have to rely on medications to put the body in sync with itself.

Ronda had been telling me the same thing. She had said to not worry and not beat myself up. Once again, Ronda is right and her encouragement was right on key. I've often talked about the support I get from IWLS staff. Ronda, Pam and Jennifer are the jewels of the program. They truly do care! Thank you guys! Thank you for always being there and always willing to take the time to encourage, inform, instruct and care.

So it is a fair trade off to allow my mind to rest and feel safe with taking medication again. I can't control it with my diet or exercise. I can't control it with my worry and concern. I must, as Ronda pointed out, accept how God is providing for me, by sending doctors, their knowledge and medications to me to correct the problem.

This journey of the last 19 months has been challenging, rewarding and intriguing. God has provided people; family, friends and professionals to help me face those challenges and celebrate those rewards. I shall continue to look to Him to guide me through them.

 

Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil.

It has no point.

Getting Honest With Myself

I am ready for the warmer weather. Today I came home from church and Bible study and I spent 1 ½ hours shoveling the walks and driveways. It was a nice workout for me! My hands and elbows will be sore tomorrow, but it sure feels great today. It gave me time to just ponder, think, pray and be by myself; kind of in my own little cocoon. I guess it is the same way when I am at the "Y" and lifting weights, biking, walking, etc. The feeling afterwards is so invigorating. If I could just bottle that contentment and make it last all day long I'm sure I would find it very easy to stay centered and stay away from eating just to eat and not because I am hungry. I just haven't mastered that yet.

I have been thinking about my frustrations in the last 6-9 months or more. In those frustrations lies this thought. I am fearful of failing. All my life anything I have set out to do or accomplish and started with enthusiasm and determination has fizzled out. I have given up on it when the "buzz" wore off. In 6^th grade I wanted a guitar. My parents got me one and for that school year I took lessons and practiced. I would sit on the screened in porch in the winter time with a winter coat on and freeze while I practiced so I wouldn't disturb anyone in the house (especially my sister who shared my room, or maybe I shared her room). Once the school year was over and the lessons ceased, so did my dedication. Also that year I wanted a unicycle. My parents got that for me for Christmas. I learned to ride it on ice. I couldn't wait for warmer weather to learn so I took it outside on the ice on Christmas day and began to teach myself to ride it. I got good enough to ride it on the basketball court (actually playing basketball at the same time). I could ride it on dirt roads and make a few bucks at school before everyone figured out I could ride it and should not bet me otherwise. It was a profitable day for sure! Well, when the wheel broke down it got put in a shed and finally was tossed. I could give so many other examples from talents in sports to classes taken. My enthusiasm determined my dedication and therefore when the enthusiasm wavered so did my dedication. So my fear is as my enthusiasm continues to waver (the honeymoon phase is certainly over) I fear my dedication will to. This is not a project, a phase or an interest. This is my life! I fear of becoming almost 300 pounds again. I have now lost 111 pounds since surgery and I am proud of that. I have worked hard and it is getting harder. I had a goal, but Dr Hachem says I won't make it to that goal. So I have revamped that goal and am shooting for his goal, for now! Once I make it there I will shoot for something else. I feel the benefits of all this. Better health, easier mobility and abilities to do things I have not been able to do in years (shoveling snow). I see the result with my clothing - 4x-5x shirts are now XL. My pant waist is 12" smaller and I need smaller pants, but not yet. I will just have to live with the baggie until I get so frustrated I will be forced to buy smaller. Maybe in the spring (when I shed my winter coat). So you see I have come a long way, but the "buzz" is wearing off and I fear my dedication is too.

My dear friend, Shawna pointed out I am not a failure. She said I have not bailed out on everything in my life. I have been a dispatcher for 21 years and the novelty of that has certainly worn off. I have held onto friendships long after they have been beneficial or many times healthy for me. I have given to others beyond what I received, but to me that is how it is supposed to be. She says I am like everyone else. It is normal to lose the thrill factor in life, but I still plug on. I need to lower my standard for myself and accept things as they fall. I need to work it a day at a time and not a big goal at a time. That is so hard for me to do. This is because of the failure factor. The fear of being what I once was. I can't go back there!

So I guess I will have to learn to lean on God more. That too is a tough one for me. I want to KNOW He is there. I want to KNOW it not just through knowledge, but through feelings. I am such a feeling person (as are most females). I have to learn to trust God more and rely on the knowledge factor. I have been reading a book that talks about my experience with God will not be the same as someone else's, or my perception of someone else's. So I am trying to let go, turn loose of the reins of control and give God the space He needs in order for me to get closer to Him. I've moved, He hasn't. In that growth I will see the decrease of myself. I think I have been too focused on myself. In that growth I will be less fearful of failure. Oh the lessons of life are never easy are they? To learn to accept the mundane when the exuberant feelings have lessened. God help me accept the now and not judge it by the past. Stay focused on the goal, but centered on God. Sounds like I have my work cut out for me.

Love isn't what I have the opportunity to get from this world.

Love is what I have the opportunity to give.

Change It Up

What was I thinking? I went to my trainer at the YMCA and told her I didn't feel my exercise plan was doing anything. I felt like it was just a routine and not accomplishing anything. She got excited (should have been my 1^st clue) about designing a new circuit for me. So several days later we had an appointment to go over the new circuit. The 1^st day I did it on my own it was the lower body workout. The 2^nd day was the upper body workout. I alternate those each day, so Monday and Wednesday is upper and Tuesday/Thursday is lower. Well, I did the lower body that 1^st Tuesday. I hadn't had a workout like that for months. I hadn't sweat like that since I "fell off" the floor mat in Pilates last year. I had a true workout and it felt wonderful!

Wednesday morning at 1:49am I woke up needing to make a visit to the bathroom. I rolled over and groaned. Oh my, the workout was evident and painful. I obviously had made some much under used muscles very angry. I made it to the bathroom before an accident transformed. I went back to bed. The alarm clock went off at the usual 5:45am call. I thought, "Oh my, DeAnn, you don't want to go workout this morning." "Oh yes DeAnn, you must." "No I can't. I hurt." "No DeAnn you only feel some pain in the lower extremities of your body and today is the upper workout and it doesn't hurt." Well, I guess the point was made because I arose and went to the "Y". Well, once again after my workout I felt wonderful from the intense movements in my circuit. I thought the true test would be Thursday morning. Well, Thursday did roll around and I rolled over at 5:45am and groaned. My muscles were crying out in rebellion. I ignored them and got out of bed and made it to the "Y". I now was back to the lower body workout. Yes, some muscles were still in rebellion, but I whipped them into movement. By the end of the workout I was sweating and panting and having a wonderful time. Who would have thought exercise would be so welcome and "enjoyable"? The hard part is getting out of bed and getting to the "Y"; especially in COLD weather. Once there and moving, completing the circuit and walking out to go home, it feels so good.

The results from the exercising have spurred me on. My weigh-in on Saturday was the best I have had in months. I lost 2.8 pounds and I am once again back to the lowest weight I've been (Oct 10, 2009). I pray it is a roll that will continue and I am back on the road to progress. Changing up the routine made the difference in more ways than one. It helped rev up the body and also spurred me to be a little more conscious of my eating. I'm not as good as I once was, but I am making progress I think.

 

Dear God: I have a problem. Sometimes, it's me.

Steps to the footprint

Today's message at church took me on a journey of several thoughts. I will take you down a couple of those paths. The pastor talked about footprints. I visualized the Footprints poem of when there is only one set of footprints and it is Jesus' prints because he is carrying us until we are able to walk on our own. The other visualization came from the picture my pastor painted. Visualize a freshly fallen snow. It is so fresh and beautiful. Visualize yourself as a child following your father. He takes a step and there lies his footprint in the snow; one after the other. His stride is longer than your stride, but you are determined to walk in his prints. You walk behind him trying to step within his footprint. You start out following inside the print with little difficulty, but as you go along and become tired and your effort becomes weary, you find it harder to step far enough to get within the print. Soon you find yourself leaping to make the distance. Soon you become wearier and those leaps are harder to perform so your landing isn't inside the print, but on the edge and eventually not quite inside the prints. Your goal remains in site—following your father and walking in his prints, but the steps to get there become harder and sometimes there is a misstep. It takes two steps to get to one print. Yet you keep trying, leaping, walking and forging forward.

Sometimes we feel we fall short of the goal. It takes continuous discipline to endure the race. We start out with the goal in sight and the steps planned and the determination to dance the dance. As we walk we can grow weary, our steps start to stumble and our resolve grows weak. BUT our sights are still on the goal-we still leap to take the steps we need to take to work towards the goal. No matter how short we fall we keep leaping to reach the next step towards the ultimate goal. Sometimes it takes 4-5 steps to get back into step with the original goal. You don't give up because of your "shortness", but you step the steps that can lead you back to the goal. Each day we work towards the goal no matter how far we fall. Keep leaping, keep stepping, and keep moving forward; keep disciplined.

The goal doesn't change but sometimes the steps to the goal must be adjusted. The progress will win through the process of steps, leaps, stumbles and falls. They key is to get back up, double step and keep focus on the footprints.

 

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling 
							

but in rising every time we fall."

     ~ Confucius~

Falling

I did not fail, but I fell. I know this is a play on words, but it is also a way to look at the stumbles we make in life. Each stumble leads us to our destination. As long as we get back up and keep on trying, we have not failed. We may have fallen, for a moment, but we did not fail.

I have struggled with feeling like I am off track with so many things in my life right now. It just seems like life is passing me by in some ways. I just don't have a grip on things like I used to or like I want. Therefore I often times feel like I fell. I know in my head each stumble is a learning stepping stone. It is just hard to keep that in view when I stumble. I get excited about things and when it doesn't go as planned, I get disappointed and frustrated. I want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. BUT I know each of those disappointments are a means to become stronger. I am not just talking about the weight loss. I am talking about life in general. God places certain obstacles in our way to help us rely on Him and allow Him to pull us up. As we fall, He is there to reach out and upright us and point us in the right direction. So as I stumble and fall I will remember I have not failed unless I refuse to get back up and carry on. One stumble is just a detour. There are speed bumps all along the road of life and I must learn to take them in stride.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling

but in rising every time we fall."

     ~ Confucius~~~~~

Indulging In BLTs

I'm slow in writing this week because I haven't cared about it. It seems like everything has been put on a personal hiatus this week. I haven't gone to the YMCA because of other obligations on Monday and Tuesday. This morning I didn't go because my arm shut the alarm off and I woke up enough to reset the alarm and go back to sleep. At least I reset it early enough to get up for work and the pre-work duties I place on myself. I started this week "checking out" by seeing 5 movies in 2 days. Last week was so very frustrating to me and I am not sure why. Everything I did irritated me. Just the fact I breathed irritated me. I just sat back and struggled through it and hoped I didn't irritate those around me too much. I couldn't make myself happy and I certainly found no one else could make me happy either. I hate those weeks.

So I evaluated things. I didn't come up with any astronomical discovery. It just seemed like Tuesday I woke up in a better disposition. So I started to look at the things I'm doing, not doing, need to do, want to do, don't want to do and must do. As is most stuff in my life, it is centered on losing weight, exercising more, relating to others better, thinking of others more and trying to walk closer to God daily. All are difficult. I am strong willed and that will often get in the way of all of them. I hate to give up control.

I read one of my devotions this morning and the following hit me! I hope it will inspire me as I read it over and over and I hope it might inspire someone else by including parts of it in my blog.

Devotion:

Do you ever get tired of making decisions?  I do. Every day, decisions line up for my attention. I decide what I'm going to do, how I'll spend my money, and what I'm going to say.  Conversely, I make decisions about what I am NOT going to do, spend or say. 

One of the biggest challenges I face right now has to do with what I eat. 

The problem wasn't what I was eating when I sat down for a meal; it was all the bites that led up to that meal.  It was the French fry before dinner and the bite of casserole as I put away the leftovers after dinner.  It was the nibble of my son's double cheeseburger, and the extra scoop of dip with my carrots. No, it wasn't the big decisions that hurt my weight loss; it was all the little decisions.  

Unfortunately, I had minimized in my mind the potential damage of all those little bites.  Yet they added up to derail me from my goal of losing weight that week. The next week I took control of those BLTs (bites, licks, tastes and sips) and had a nice loss. 

As I've pondered this reality, I've applied it to other areas of my life.  I easily minimize the damage of daily unwise decisions.  They aren't sin issues, so I can dismiss them as unimportant.  However, when added up, they have a big impact on achieving some of my personal goals.  For example, when I make a decision to not read my Bible for one day, there's no noticeable impact.  But when I neglect this important part of my spiritual growth repeatedly, I find myself lacking in godly wisdom and discernment.   

If you find yourself on a plateau in a certain area of your life, perhaps this truth can apply to you as well.  You may be making all the right big decisions, but the little ones are having a cumulative negative impact on you.  

Not only that, but I believe God desires to do amazing things through us, and is continually testing us to see if we can handle bigger responsibilities.  It's in the arena of little responsibilities that our true dependability is revealed.  The truth is those little decisions that seem minor, and inconsequential, really do matter.  They matter to me as I pursue personal goals, and they matter to God.  

My challenge today is to make every decision count. I ask myself, "Is this decision going to get me closer to my goal, or further away from it?"  "Is this decision going to show God I can be trusted with the little things?" 

Sometimes I ask this question every hour.  Which is why I ate steamed vegetables for dinner, and my family had overstuffed burritos.  (Not that it's Thursday night and I'm weighing in Friday morning or anything.) 

So this week I am looking at the BLTs (bites, licks, tastes and sips) and looking at the actions I take or don't take and try to fine tune them. I am trying to do that without becoming so obsessed that I lose sight of the motions of life. That is a very fine line! I need to rely on God more for that discernment. I need to rely on God more for the baby steps that lead to the top of the mountain. I need to learn to be content in the moment and release the tight grip I hold on things. I often wish I could find the attitude of "it will all work out, just sit back." If I could just find a way to sit back and use the remote control at the same time. There's that control issue again!!

All the BLTs (regardless of if they are food related or any goal related) affect the final outcome. So I will be careful what bites, licks, tastes and sips I take. I will pray I find myself in a better frame of mind, better determination of goal attainment and able to prioritize my actions to match my goals.

"I'll wait on you God, but can you hurry up?" I hope your decisions are based on the best for you in the long run, but established during the short jaunt.

 

Adjust to changing times,

but cling to unchanging principles.

     ~Patsy Clairmont~