This week I have nothing deep to talk about. Last week was kind of a comparison to a fun event in my life. This week I began re-reading my blog from the onset. I started reading some stuff that I wrote about 6 months before surgery. Some of it was 2-3 months before I even decided to have the surgery. It was inspiring to see how far I have come in my thinking. I also was able to get some inspiration for eating better. I got some ideas of things to eat that go back to the basics. I think as a gastric bypass patient we tend to forget the basics. I guess that is the way it is for anyone actually. We all know what is good for us to eat, what is good for us to do and we still struggle with eating the right stuff and doing the right things. Re-reading my blogs has reminded me how far I have strayed over the last few months. Yet, at the same time it has spurred a desire to get back to square one and work hard. Sometimes self motivation is really hard.
I still have about 2/3 of the blog yet to read and I intend to do it this week. I want to “relive” the progress including the back stepping. I think I can learn some lessons from looking honestly at myself, my actions and my motivations. I need to reassess and recharge and I think this will help me to do that. Overall I am in a better place than I have been in some time. It feels good.
I wrote the following to a friend of mine and I need to remember this for myself. I am such a feeling person and I feel deeply. I have known that for many years. I also have known for many years, feelings are not the basis of anything real. I analyze everything until it is mush. I beat myself up until I can flog no longer. That is the feeling me that kicks in so strongly. That is the perfectionist in me. None of this is new to me, but all of it is something I routinely forget or to be more honest, ignore. So I am struggling in many areas of my life right now. I know God allows those struggles in order to mature me. But there again, that doesn’t make it any less painful or any easier to accept. So at this point, time is the answer. Time to feel, ponder, dig in and grab God and time to give up of myself. Not an easy thing to do. I have to be content in the knowledge that God is there and not rely on the feeling that God is there. I have to depend on him to lead me through the hard times, decision making and every step of this journey.
So bear with me as I struggle through this. I knew having this surgery was not going to lead to a life paved in gold. I knew it would not be a cure all. I knew it would be a daily decision to live differently than I had ever lived. I can confidently say I am not sorry for having this surgery and having to live differently and having to make wise decisions daily instead of just gliding through life. This surgery is the best thing I’ve ever done for me. I know God is behind everything I have done and he will be there beside me through everything I need to do to remain healthy and on track. I just have to get out of the way. There lies the problem.
I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was healthy. I pray you were able to find and name the blessings of the last year. As we prepare for the Christmas season I pray you will continue to remember you are worth the effort to do what you need to do to take care of you. It is easy to put yourself on the back burner and that leads to the unhealthy things we do. Remember, you are no good to anyone else if you are too tired, too frustrated and too unfocused to take care of yourself. As we walk, we some times stumble, but as the child knows, you must get back up and try again. It is never too late to start fresh. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do to take care of youself now!
Until next time---be good to yourself.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”
~Viktor Frankl~
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Under The Big Top
Life is a circus. There is so much to see and often all at the same time. As a kid I found the circus in a tent. There was a variety of acts and sights. There was something to enthrall and interest every age and gender.
There was the ring master. His duty was to hold the circus together, make it run smoothly and make sure you were focused on what was being done between the acts. He kept your attention on “center ring” so everyone else could get where they needed to be in order to do what needed to be done. He was a grand man. He dressed in fashions to be envied; a big top hat, a long tailed coat and carrying a scepter. He was the leader of the circus, the master of the ceremony. He is often the most visible and most important performer of the circus. He took pride in introducing the flow of the circus and assuring the adults it was okay to let the little child within escape and enjoy the thrills to follow.
There were the clowns. They were there for the laughs. They were there to relive some of the suspense of the other acts. They were kind of like the intermission that made you laugh and feel warm and bubbly all over. They painted their faces and wore goofy clothes, big shoes and had a large nose. They didn’t just appeal to the young, but to the young at heart. They solidified the crowd.
You had your hoopers and your jugglers. The hoopers would get that big ole’ ring around their waists, arms, necks, shoulders, legs or whatever part of their bodies and keep it spinning and keep it from touching the ground. Many times it was more than one hoop. The plate spinners were along the same line as the hoopers. The thrill was in the anticipation it would fall, but hoping it would stay afloat. Then there were the jugglers. How can one person keep so many balls, swords, rings, clubs, beanbags, bouncing balls, etc in the air and not get all tangled up in the movements. It wasn’t a matter of tossing them up, but to toss them around, over, under, beside or anyway they could. The skill was admirable and kept one in awe.
There were the acrobats. They ran and tumbled from one end to the other. The moves they inserted in their graceful movements made you wonder how it could be done. The balance, agility, flexibility and coordination were unreal. The concession vendors’ pretzels couldn’t compare to the positions these skilled actors performed. They were supreme dancers. The flow of their movements and their speed were intriguing.
Speaking of pretzels, the food at a circus was unique. It was the one time we could eat cotton candy, popcorn, hot dogs and sip a soda and not feel guilty. It was all part of the experience.
Then you had your “death defying acts”. The trapeze performers kept the tension as high as their bars could swing. The thrills were often verbally heard; ooh’s and ah’s and wow’s. They would let go, fly through the air and latch onto the next bar. Sometimes it was from one bar to another and other times it was from one person to another person. Your heart would stop between the letting go and the grasping again. The strength in the hands and arms and legs were more than one could imagine. The tight rope walkers were in this category of anticipation graspers. Sometimes they used a pole to balance or an umbrella or they just used themselves as the balancing factor. They might have a net, but then they might not. The wire might be tight or it might be slack. Regardless, both looked impossible. Once again the anticipation and thrill would have you holding your breath.
One of my favorites was the unicyclists. They would motor around and turn and swing and move backwards and forwards. Of course this probably had something to do with someday my wanting to ride a unicycle. I got one for Christmas when I was in 6th grade. I couldn’t wait to ride it. Little did I know it wasn’t a matter of sitting on the seat and taking off. It took hours of practice, many falls and many failures. Dedication and some bull headedness made it possible to one day ride it down the road, across the playground and around the basketball court, while playing basketball. I could never do the amazing tricks these performers were able to do, but my dedication to practice was on a much smaller scale.
The animals were just as much a part of the circus. There were lion tamers, elephant handlers and dog trainers. They were able to make fierce lions and tigers lay and roll, standup and take notice. The elephants were so large and heavy yet the handlers were able to make them kneel with the tap of a stick. The dog trainers had the dogs running and jumping through hoops and climbing stairs and sailing from one stand to another. It must be from the circus the Alpo people got their idea for their dog food commercials.
You ask what this has to do with my journey in weight loss and my lifestyle as a gastric bypass surgery patient? Well, much like the circus, life is full of variety. It is full of thrills and anticipations. It is full of tension, oh’s and ah’s. You must juggle the wants and the needs of this lifestyle. A gastric bypass patient is no different than the everyday person. We must look at food as a nutrient. As we get caught up in the thrills of everyday life we must be mindful of the temptations around us. We have to make decisions and perform moves that are split second “death defying” decisions. It is the death of our progress or the life of our progress. We have to be the plate spinner, the hooper and the juggler and keep the choices afloat and life in the air. At times it feels like we are on a trapeze reaching for the next bar, the next hand, the next leg. It can take our breath away.
We must be the animal handlers. We must tame the demons, the bad habits and old behaviors. We must train our wants and needs. We must direct our actions. We must take control of our emotions and work with them to our benefit not our demise. The lion is dangerous, the elephant is large and heavy and the dogs are willful. We must work with them daily in order to get them to do what we need for them to do. They must perform to enhance the show. Our emotions can grow fierce and we must keep them in line and not eat because of them. Our actions, desires and will power must work together to perform in a healthy manner.
We must be the ring master. We have to keep all the acts moving and the current act must be the main focus. Sometimes we have to “hype” up the process and make it more thrilling than it really is. We also have to accept when there is a glitch and go with the flow and make it as flawless as possible. We have to improvise and fill in the dead time in order to make the circus look smooth. We have to keep intrigued and focused.
The best times are when we get to be the clowns. We may have a sad face, but we must keep the journey uplifting. We must look out and see what needs to be done and do what it takes to be successful. We have to laugh at ourselves and encourage others to laugh with us. We must keep our eyes focused beyond the big red nose. Sometimes our pants are too big, our shoes too floppy and our hair is a mess. We learn to deal with those times.
There will be different people coming in and out of our lives at different times. We must learn to use them as a support and at times be a support to them. The best support we can rely on is the love and peace of God. He is the real ringmaster. We can take grand lessons from him as we allow him to stand in the center ring and direct us and keep us focused at the task at hand. When we take our eyes off him and begin to watch the other areas of the big tent we see the tearing down of one act and the preparing of the next act. By keeping our eye on the ringmaster we live life as it happens. We get to be “in on” the thrills, the anticipations, the laughs and the tears. We get to walk the tightrope. If we fall, He will be the net below. We can fall off the unicycle and get back up and try again. It is never the end, but always the next step on the path. Whatever our goal, He is there to direct us to it.
There is never a dead end.
There is always a way out.
Sometimes you have to back up
or make a sharp turn and redirect.
~DeAnn Cornwell~
There was the ring master. His duty was to hold the circus together, make it run smoothly and make sure you were focused on what was being done between the acts. He kept your attention on “center ring” so everyone else could get where they needed to be in order to do what needed to be done. He was a grand man. He dressed in fashions to be envied; a big top hat, a long tailed coat and carrying a scepter. He was the leader of the circus, the master of the ceremony. He is often the most visible and most important performer of the circus. He took pride in introducing the flow of the circus and assuring the adults it was okay to let the little child within escape and enjoy the thrills to follow.
There were the clowns. They were there for the laughs. They were there to relive some of the suspense of the other acts. They were kind of like the intermission that made you laugh and feel warm and bubbly all over. They painted their faces and wore goofy clothes, big shoes and had a large nose. They didn’t just appeal to the young, but to the young at heart. They solidified the crowd.
You had your hoopers and your jugglers. The hoopers would get that big ole’ ring around their waists, arms, necks, shoulders, legs or whatever part of their bodies and keep it spinning and keep it from touching the ground. Many times it was more than one hoop. The plate spinners were along the same line as the hoopers. The thrill was in the anticipation it would fall, but hoping it would stay afloat. Then there were the jugglers. How can one person keep so many balls, swords, rings, clubs, beanbags, bouncing balls, etc in the air and not get all tangled up in the movements. It wasn’t a matter of tossing them up, but to toss them around, over, under, beside or anyway they could. The skill was admirable and kept one in awe.
There were the acrobats. They ran and tumbled from one end to the other. The moves they inserted in their graceful movements made you wonder how it could be done. The balance, agility, flexibility and coordination were unreal. The concession vendors’ pretzels couldn’t compare to the positions these skilled actors performed. They were supreme dancers. The flow of their movements and their speed were intriguing.
Speaking of pretzels, the food at a circus was unique. It was the one time we could eat cotton candy, popcorn, hot dogs and sip a soda and not feel guilty. It was all part of the experience.
Then you had your “death defying acts”. The trapeze performers kept the tension as high as their bars could swing. The thrills were often verbally heard; ooh’s and ah’s and wow’s. They would let go, fly through the air and latch onto the next bar. Sometimes it was from one bar to another and other times it was from one person to another person. Your heart would stop between the letting go and the grasping again. The strength in the hands and arms and legs were more than one could imagine. The tight rope walkers were in this category of anticipation graspers. Sometimes they used a pole to balance or an umbrella or they just used themselves as the balancing factor. They might have a net, but then they might not. The wire might be tight or it might be slack. Regardless, both looked impossible. Once again the anticipation and thrill would have you holding your breath.
One of my favorites was the unicyclists. They would motor around and turn and swing and move backwards and forwards. Of course this probably had something to do with someday my wanting to ride a unicycle. I got one for Christmas when I was in 6th grade. I couldn’t wait to ride it. Little did I know it wasn’t a matter of sitting on the seat and taking off. It took hours of practice, many falls and many failures. Dedication and some bull headedness made it possible to one day ride it down the road, across the playground and around the basketball court, while playing basketball. I could never do the amazing tricks these performers were able to do, but my dedication to practice was on a much smaller scale.
The animals were just as much a part of the circus. There were lion tamers, elephant handlers and dog trainers. They were able to make fierce lions and tigers lay and roll, standup and take notice. The elephants were so large and heavy yet the handlers were able to make them kneel with the tap of a stick. The dog trainers had the dogs running and jumping through hoops and climbing stairs and sailing from one stand to another. It must be from the circus the Alpo people got their idea for their dog food commercials.
You ask what this has to do with my journey in weight loss and my lifestyle as a gastric bypass surgery patient? Well, much like the circus, life is full of variety. It is full of thrills and anticipations. It is full of tension, oh’s and ah’s. You must juggle the wants and the needs of this lifestyle. A gastric bypass patient is no different than the everyday person. We must look at food as a nutrient. As we get caught up in the thrills of everyday life we must be mindful of the temptations around us. We have to make decisions and perform moves that are split second “death defying” decisions. It is the death of our progress or the life of our progress. We have to be the plate spinner, the hooper and the juggler and keep the choices afloat and life in the air. At times it feels like we are on a trapeze reaching for the next bar, the next hand, the next leg. It can take our breath away.
We must be the animal handlers. We must tame the demons, the bad habits and old behaviors. We must train our wants and needs. We must direct our actions. We must take control of our emotions and work with them to our benefit not our demise. The lion is dangerous, the elephant is large and heavy and the dogs are willful. We must work with them daily in order to get them to do what we need for them to do. They must perform to enhance the show. Our emotions can grow fierce and we must keep them in line and not eat because of them. Our actions, desires and will power must work together to perform in a healthy manner.
We must be the ring master. We have to keep all the acts moving and the current act must be the main focus. Sometimes we have to “hype” up the process and make it more thrilling than it really is. We also have to accept when there is a glitch and go with the flow and make it as flawless as possible. We have to improvise and fill in the dead time in order to make the circus look smooth. We have to keep intrigued and focused.
The best times are when we get to be the clowns. We may have a sad face, but we must keep the journey uplifting. We must look out and see what needs to be done and do what it takes to be successful. We have to laugh at ourselves and encourage others to laugh with us. We must keep our eyes focused beyond the big red nose. Sometimes our pants are too big, our shoes too floppy and our hair is a mess. We learn to deal with those times.
There will be different people coming in and out of our lives at different times. We must learn to use them as a support and at times be a support to them. The best support we can rely on is the love and peace of God. He is the real ringmaster. We can take grand lessons from him as we allow him to stand in the center ring and direct us and keep us focused at the task at hand. When we take our eyes off him and begin to watch the other areas of the big tent we see the tearing down of one act and the preparing of the next act. By keeping our eye on the ringmaster we live life as it happens. We get to be “in on” the thrills, the anticipations, the laughs and the tears. We get to walk the tightrope. If we fall, He will be the net below. We can fall off the unicycle and get back up and try again. It is never the end, but always the next step on the path. Whatever our goal, He is there to direct us to it.
There is never a dead end.
There is always a way out.
Sometimes you have to back up
or make a sharp turn and redirect.
~DeAnn Cornwell~
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Goodbye My Good Friend
Goodbye my good friend. You have been a constant companion, a dependable comforter and a reliable relief. When I was bored, you were there to fill my time. When I was lonely, you were there by my side. You encouraged me to go on. You filled the void. You never failed to be available for me when I needed you, no matter what I needed you for. You always accepted me as I was. You always encouraged me to carry on; to continue on the comfortable path you laid before me. When I cried out in pain, you healed. When I rejoiced in happiness, you helped me celebrate. When I lacked confidence, you were there to boost me. When I was sad, you were there to console me. I could always depend on you. Actually I depended on you too much. I depended on you so much I lost myself. I wandered blindly in denial of what was really needed; believing your lies and accepting your comfort. With you I could do whatever I wanted and not think about it. It wasn’t healthy, but it was comforting and easy.
It is time I look at myself. I must ask, “Do I see myself as I am now or do I see myself as I’ve always known myself to be?” I can’t answer those questions with you as the focal point. I have to give you up in order to do that. I must say goodbye to you my good friend. I can’t allow you to control my life any longer. Yes, I need you in my life, but not as my constant companion, my dependable comforter or my reliable relief. You will still play a part in my life, but you will not be my life. So goodbye my good friend. I can no longer allow you to control my thoughts, my emotions or my actions. I must control you and limit your influence on my decisions and actions. So goodbye my good friend. Goodbye to the role you have played in my life. Goodbye food, as I have known you.
The difference between being inspired and struggling with inspiration is one simple thing... ACTION.
It is time I look at myself. I must ask, “Do I see myself as I am now or do I see myself as I’ve always known myself to be?” I can’t answer those questions with you as the focal point. I have to give you up in order to do that. I must say goodbye to you my good friend. I can’t allow you to control my life any longer. Yes, I need you in my life, but not as my constant companion, my dependable comforter or my reliable relief. You will still play a part in my life, but you will not be my life. So goodbye my good friend. I can no longer allow you to control my thoughts, my emotions or my actions. I must control you and limit your influence on my decisions and actions. So goodbye my good friend. Goodbye to the role you have played in my life. Goodbye food, as I have known you.
The difference between being inspired and struggling with inspiration is one simple thing... ACTION.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Next Step
I went to a convention this weekend that was very challenging to me. I think someone clued in the speakers and singers I was on the way. They patterned their topics and presentations specifically to my frame of mind. Actually I am not that self-centered. I know the conference wasn’t specifically for me. So this thought tells me there are many people that are in the same place as I am. I do believe God made sure I was there though. It was a very challenging weekend as well as a very inspiring one.
One thing I picked up from the weekend is the need to take the next step instead of trying to take the whole trip at one time. My great loving friend said it best when she said to take it one pound at a time. Yes I have to have an ultimate goal, but I can’t obtain that goal all at once, in a week or even in a month. I have to obtain that goal one step at a time. They have to be small baby steps. I have to take the 1st step before I take the 2nd. It is only then can I take the 3rd then the 4th—ONE step at a time. No leaps. I have a lifetime to live this life. I don’t have to try and do it all at once. I don’t have to do it in a year or two years or three years. I can only do it one day, one step at a time.
I have to push the limits and face the excuses. I use so many excuses and forget to search for the solutions. I can only obtain the solution by working the steps to that solution. I was reminded it is all in the attitude. Anything can look good or anything can look bad. The perspective of the beholder is what makes it. So I have taken on a new perspective and attitude towards this journey. It is a life time deal. I knew that going into surgery and I think I have lost that perspective. I have to make the lifestyle I want to live with. I can’t do it alone and I can’t do it in one step. I am a baby in this journey so the steps must be small. They will sometimes be unsteady and I will fall. But what does a baby do? Get back up and try it again until it is steady, smooth and 2nd nature. They don’t walk in one try, but repeated tries by learning from each step, each fall and each retry. Even once the kid learns to walk and grows up to be an adult, they still get off balance once in awhile. So it is time to get back on my feet and steady myself—one small step at a time.
On to the next step.
"The brick walls are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something." ~"The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch~
One thing I picked up from the weekend is the need to take the next step instead of trying to take the whole trip at one time. My great loving friend said it best when she said to take it one pound at a time. Yes I have to have an ultimate goal, but I can’t obtain that goal all at once, in a week or even in a month. I have to obtain that goal one step at a time. They have to be small baby steps. I have to take the 1st step before I take the 2nd. It is only then can I take the 3rd then the 4th—ONE step at a time. No leaps. I have a lifetime to live this life. I don’t have to try and do it all at once. I don’t have to do it in a year or two years or three years. I can only do it one day, one step at a time.
I have to push the limits and face the excuses. I use so many excuses and forget to search for the solutions. I can only obtain the solution by working the steps to that solution. I was reminded it is all in the attitude. Anything can look good or anything can look bad. The perspective of the beholder is what makes it. So I have taken on a new perspective and attitude towards this journey. It is a life time deal. I knew that going into surgery and I think I have lost that perspective. I have to make the lifestyle I want to live with. I can’t do it alone and I can’t do it in one step. I am a baby in this journey so the steps must be small. They will sometimes be unsteady and I will fall. But what does a baby do? Get back up and try it again until it is steady, smooth and 2nd nature. They don’t walk in one try, but repeated tries by learning from each step, each fall and each retry. Even once the kid learns to walk and grows up to be an adult, they still get off balance once in awhile. So it is time to get back on my feet and steady myself—one small step at a time.
On to the next step.
"The brick walls are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something." ~"The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch~
Sunday, October 25, 2009
NEED to Want
Apathy = A passive force that lulls you to sleep. It can be an aggressive force that works to prevent you from keeping what is most meaningful and important. Apathy causes you to lose what you want most.
The fire within dies as the actions without die.
Sometimes our GREATEST weakness is our success. We get comfortable and settled. We rely on our success to pull us through our future goals. We rest on our laurels.
Comfort over sacrifice. I’m healthy so let’s just stop working it. We stop working it because our surgery has been doing the work. How long will that work propel us to success in the future?
As the success slows down and slowly dies we must refocus. We must stoke the actions to reignite the fire. What actions am I talking about?
Exercise
Healthy eating
Wise food choices
64 oz of water
Proper amounts of protein
Proper amounts of carbs
Proper amounts of calories
Proper portion sizes
Pouch rules
Stoke those actions and the fire to success in order to meet the goals will be flamed and ablaze once again.
I NEED to have a WANT. I need to want to succeed. I need to want to work it. I need to want to be honest with myself. I need to want to reach new goals. I need to want all these more than I want what I think I need. I need to figure out what is a need for my body and what is a want for my mind. I have started emotional eating more as time passes. It is so easy to get lax in my success and think it will continue without the effort it took to get there.
Live the new lifestyle. Embrace it as a way of life and not another diet I must follow in order to succeed. Allow food to become a means to life, but not as a life of it own. I have become so consumed with food thoughts I have forgotten to live. I worry about what I should eat, what I have eaten, what I need to eat, when I will eat next, should I eat next and so much more. I feel like I am back to square one before surgery. I hate the counting and measuring, but I have to realize this is just the process of life for anyone. Once you become proficient with it you don’t have to count and measure, but you look and know. Getting to that point is frustrating, but I have to remember it is part of the process.
I have struggled for many months now. When I had surgery and for the 1st nine months it was easy to be motivated, inspired and enthusiastic. As time goes by and the comfortableness of success settles in the laxness and laziness of life creeps back in as well. The old habits become comfortable again. The alertness fades and the mindfulness is taken over by the mindless. My actions are often performed before I realize they have been. So for another week my goal is to become more mindful of what I think, feel and do. I will focus on the goals at hand and remember it took me months to get here and it won’t be overnight I will get back to where I want to be.
First I have to figure out what my need is and make it my want. I know where I need to be headed. Now to figure out how to make that need more of a want than the want of the moment.
I apologize to you who have looked to me for inspiration. The last few months haven’t been inspiring to you or me. I am struggling just to remain above water-to remain afloat. I have watched my weight decrease and increase within the same 3-5 pounds for months. I have been frustrated with my progress or lack thereof. I have been frustrated with not being able to get a grip on my cravings, my actions, me choices, my wants. I have felt like a failure. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to continue to reign on the top and fly with the eagles. Instead I am walking the walk of the ordinary and I must face the choices I have to make and make them for the best I can be. Hang with me and I pray I will figure out what the want needs to be and make it a need I want to achieve. I pray it becomes more of a desire than the desire to eat the wrong thing, not exercise hard enough, make the wrong choices, and become apathetic to the goals. I will try to stoke the fire and bring the desires ablaze and work for success to become more important than the instant gratification of the moment. I will work towards “eating to live and not living to eat.”
“Youth may be admired for vigor, but gray hair gives prestige to old age.” Proverbs 20:29
The fire within dies as the actions without die.
Sometimes our GREATEST weakness is our success. We get comfortable and settled. We rely on our success to pull us through our future goals. We rest on our laurels.
Comfort over sacrifice. I’m healthy so let’s just stop working it. We stop working it because our surgery has been doing the work. How long will that work propel us to success in the future?
As the success slows down and slowly dies we must refocus. We must stoke the actions to reignite the fire. What actions am I talking about?
Exercise
Healthy eating
Wise food choices
64 oz of water
Proper amounts of protein
Proper amounts of carbs
Proper amounts of calories
Proper portion sizes
Pouch rules
Stoke those actions and the fire to success in order to meet the goals will be flamed and ablaze once again.
I NEED to have a WANT. I need to want to succeed. I need to want to work it. I need to want to be honest with myself. I need to want to reach new goals. I need to want all these more than I want what I think I need. I need to figure out what is a need for my body and what is a want for my mind. I have started emotional eating more as time passes. It is so easy to get lax in my success and think it will continue without the effort it took to get there.
Live the new lifestyle. Embrace it as a way of life and not another diet I must follow in order to succeed. Allow food to become a means to life, but not as a life of it own. I have become so consumed with food thoughts I have forgotten to live. I worry about what I should eat, what I have eaten, what I need to eat, when I will eat next, should I eat next and so much more. I feel like I am back to square one before surgery. I hate the counting and measuring, but I have to realize this is just the process of life for anyone. Once you become proficient with it you don’t have to count and measure, but you look and know. Getting to that point is frustrating, but I have to remember it is part of the process.
I have struggled for many months now. When I had surgery and for the 1st nine months it was easy to be motivated, inspired and enthusiastic. As time goes by and the comfortableness of success settles in the laxness and laziness of life creeps back in as well. The old habits become comfortable again. The alertness fades and the mindfulness is taken over by the mindless. My actions are often performed before I realize they have been. So for another week my goal is to become more mindful of what I think, feel and do. I will focus on the goals at hand and remember it took me months to get here and it won’t be overnight I will get back to where I want to be.
First I have to figure out what my need is and make it my want. I know where I need to be headed. Now to figure out how to make that need more of a want than the want of the moment.
I apologize to you who have looked to me for inspiration. The last few months haven’t been inspiring to you or me. I am struggling just to remain above water-to remain afloat. I have watched my weight decrease and increase within the same 3-5 pounds for months. I have been frustrated with my progress or lack thereof. I have been frustrated with not being able to get a grip on my cravings, my actions, me choices, my wants. I have felt like a failure. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to continue to reign on the top and fly with the eagles. Instead I am walking the walk of the ordinary and I must face the choices I have to make and make them for the best I can be. Hang with me and I pray I will figure out what the want needs to be and make it a need I want to achieve. I pray it becomes more of a desire than the desire to eat the wrong thing, not exercise hard enough, make the wrong choices, and become apathetic to the goals. I will try to stoke the fire and bring the desires ablaze and work for success to become more important than the instant gratification of the moment. I will work towards “eating to live and not living to eat.”
“Youth may be admired for vigor, but gray hair gives prestige to old age.” Proverbs 20:29
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Warmer Weather Warmer Outlook
Warmer weather has brought warmer thoughts. I have spent the last 2 weeks fairly sick. I have not been able to exercise due to no energy and trying to get in a little extra sleep. I don’t look for that to change much this week. I am on my 2nd round of antibiotics and they do seem to be helping. It is just the normal fall cold, but in my case it kicked me hard. The first week I missed 3 days of work. I never miss work, so I had to be very sick. The second week I struggled to make it through the full days of work, but there are several of us out sick, so I felt if I could do the job I needed to be there. Now this week is a 4 day week then I start vacation, so if I can just plug through until the end! Coughing is still the biggest factor and it can wear you out.
I placed 3rd in the top 5 females at the Salina YMCA Pound Plunge. Of course I feel a little guilty because I lost the 8 pounds because I was sick and ate chicken and noodle soup 3 days. I won a certificate for a premium salad at McDonalds. At least the prize is something healthy. Maybe I’ll check out a grilled chicken salad with dressing on the side. I weighed this week thinking I would gain 4-5 pounds because I ate “normal” food this week. I must have been intelligent about it because I only gained 2 pounds. So I will plug along and strive to lose and get back on top.
The warmer weather is encouraging! It makes one want to get out and walk, rock in the rocker on the front porch, throw a football, move about, rake leaves (okay, maybe I’m going overboard there), but it does encourage some positive desires to a healthier movement. I just hate that the cold is just around the corner. I doubt I find the same enthusiasm for shoveling show, walking in the snow, rocking in the snow, etc. The “Y” will have to be my exercise base.
I am still doing a better job of listening to my pouch and it’s signaling me that I am getting full. I seem to be back on track to know when to stop, even if all the food isn’t off my plate yet. That had become a big issue for me in the last few months. I feel like I am back at step one in some ways with the new lifestyle. I guess that is all part of life, starting over and gaining strength again and again. I have been making better food choices and portion choices the last week. I still have a long way to go to get back to my original enthusiasm and consciousness of eating healthy, but I am walking in the right direction again.
Thank you to everyone for your support. When one gets down and frustrated it is hard to get back over the hump. In the last few months I am sure you have noticed that frustration and lack of positive outlook. I know I have and have hated it! I hope I am finally pointed back in the right direction and getting on the right track. Thank you for hanging in there for me! I know I have a long way to go, but one step at a time. This week found a small gain in weight, but also a small leap in reserve and momentum. I just have to remember to look up and rely on the one that can do it-God!
When I say "No way." God says, "My way".
I placed 3rd in the top 5 females at the Salina YMCA Pound Plunge. Of course I feel a little guilty because I lost the 8 pounds because I was sick and ate chicken and noodle soup 3 days. I won a certificate for a premium salad at McDonalds. At least the prize is something healthy. Maybe I’ll check out a grilled chicken salad with dressing on the side. I weighed this week thinking I would gain 4-5 pounds because I ate “normal” food this week. I must have been intelligent about it because I only gained 2 pounds. So I will plug along and strive to lose and get back on top.
The warmer weather is encouraging! It makes one want to get out and walk, rock in the rocker on the front porch, throw a football, move about, rake leaves (okay, maybe I’m going overboard there), but it does encourage some positive desires to a healthier movement. I just hate that the cold is just around the corner. I doubt I find the same enthusiasm for shoveling show, walking in the snow, rocking in the snow, etc. The “Y” will have to be my exercise base.
I am still doing a better job of listening to my pouch and it’s signaling me that I am getting full. I seem to be back on track to know when to stop, even if all the food isn’t off my plate yet. That had become a big issue for me in the last few months. I feel like I am back at step one in some ways with the new lifestyle. I guess that is all part of life, starting over and gaining strength again and again. I have been making better food choices and portion choices the last week. I still have a long way to go to get back to my original enthusiasm and consciousness of eating healthy, but I am walking in the right direction again.
Thank you to everyone for your support. When one gets down and frustrated it is hard to get back over the hump. In the last few months I am sure you have noticed that frustration and lack of positive outlook. I know I have and have hated it! I hope I am finally pointed back in the right direction and getting on the right track. Thank you for hanging in there for me! I know I have a long way to go, but one step at a time. This week found a small gain in weight, but also a small leap in reserve and momentum. I just have to remember to look up and rely on the one that can do it-God!
When I say "No way." God says, "My way".
Sunday, October 11, 2009
New Vision
Wow, it’s been 2 weeks since I have blogged. I just hadn’t felt like it 2 weeks ago. I had no inspiration for anyone. The week before that was a simple “No words of wisdom, inspirations or enlightment this week. Just breathing in and breathing out.” At that point that was all I was able to do. Then the next week I was computer-less due to switching internet providers and major difficulty in getting both computers hooked up and working. I was ready to declare defeat and be a computer-less family. We have finally gotten both computers up and running (once a computer tech came out and “counseled” the router and modem. They refused to communicate with each other. They have been set straight.).
This week was plagued with poor health. I got the famous “knock you on your butt common cold”. No H1N1 flu bug. Just an old fashioned in your nose on your chest common cold. I am not one to take off work. If I can do my job, I am there. Well, this week ended with my last 3 workdays in bed. I even had to miss my IWLS support meeting in Junction City. I hated that! This is the 1st day I have been up all day and feel fairly good. I would say “normal”, but just what is normal? There is an up side to being sick---lose weight. I lost 10 pounds in the last 3 days. It is amazing what a straight diet of chicken & noodle soup will do. I don’t recommend it as a way of life, but when it is the only thing that sounds good and tastes great, it is the way to go. Just imagine if I had had the strength to exercise! I still don’t have the energy to exercise and will play it day by day. I’m anxious to get back to the “Y”, but won’t push myself backwards.
Now to get back in the routine of eating and eating healthy. I feel a little better and think I may be on a roll. I don’t want to disrupt the momentum by eating unintelligently. Maybe I need to plan a week of liquid diet every so often. It gives my pouch a rest. I ate “regular” food tonight and found I felt full with less food and listened to the pouch much more intently than I have been in some time. Old habits had been sneaking in. I pray I will continue to call the old habits on the carpet and walk the other way. I pray I will continue to listen to my pouch before it screams abuse. I only have 12 pounds to lose by January now. This week will be the test now that I feel like eating something beside soup. God lead me. “Jesus, Take The Wheel”.
I think I have realized when I get into a rut or routine that is unhealthy I need to stop, take a step back and reevaluate immediately. It is so easy to procrastinate. It is especially easy for a perfectionist because there is the fear of failing “again”. See I failed when I reverted to the old habits, so to try to change them and fail at changing back to the good habits is a double fail. The mind is a crazy thing. If I just was strong enough to turn it over to God and let him…..Maybe this small health set back was the only way He was able to say, “Yo, DeAnn, I’m here. I’m in control. Let it go and let me.”
Surgery is the most positive thing I have done in my life behind accepting Christ. To throw it all away for old bad habits and think it made me feel better is my 1st mistake. Feelings are momentary and situational. The healthy eating, healthy lifestyle filled with exercise, good food, positive thinking and positive momentum is the only way. Being led by God in that journey is where I made my progress for a year. I chose to take it all back to my own doing. I guess I didn’t take care of it myself too well, huh? So today we start a new journey. I will pick up where I left off—holding tight to God and letting him lead me. “Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own”
It will require from me to keep my calories in correct amount, keeping my carbs at 30g a meal (not an item), my protein at 70-85 a day. The protein is not a problem for me. Yes I can tolerate sugar, but I can’t eat it. Therefore 6g or less of sugar. It is up to me to rely on God by asking him to keep my emotional eating and my emotional warfare (guilt, rationalizing, giving in, etc) in tact. Only he can do it! Control by my own means is only an illusion. I lose every time.
I am at step one again. Clean slate, clear goals, clean plate! A smaller plate with real portions and purer foods.
Let the journey reconvene.
Failure?
I never encountered it.
All I ever met were temporary setbacks.
~Dottie Walters~
This week was plagued with poor health. I got the famous “knock you on your butt common cold”. No H1N1 flu bug. Just an old fashioned in your nose on your chest common cold. I am not one to take off work. If I can do my job, I am there. Well, this week ended with my last 3 workdays in bed. I even had to miss my IWLS support meeting in Junction City. I hated that! This is the 1st day I have been up all day and feel fairly good. I would say “normal”, but just what is normal? There is an up side to being sick---lose weight. I lost 10 pounds in the last 3 days. It is amazing what a straight diet of chicken & noodle soup will do. I don’t recommend it as a way of life, but when it is the only thing that sounds good and tastes great, it is the way to go. Just imagine if I had had the strength to exercise! I still don’t have the energy to exercise and will play it day by day. I’m anxious to get back to the “Y”, but won’t push myself backwards.
Now to get back in the routine of eating and eating healthy. I feel a little better and think I may be on a roll. I don’t want to disrupt the momentum by eating unintelligently. Maybe I need to plan a week of liquid diet every so often. It gives my pouch a rest. I ate “regular” food tonight and found I felt full with less food and listened to the pouch much more intently than I have been in some time. Old habits had been sneaking in. I pray I will continue to call the old habits on the carpet and walk the other way. I pray I will continue to listen to my pouch before it screams abuse. I only have 12 pounds to lose by January now. This week will be the test now that I feel like eating something beside soup. God lead me. “Jesus, Take The Wheel”.
I think I have realized when I get into a rut or routine that is unhealthy I need to stop, take a step back and reevaluate immediately. It is so easy to procrastinate. It is especially easy for a perfectionist because there is the fear of failing “again”. See I failed when I reverted to the old habits, so to try to change them and fail at changing back to the good habits is a double fail. The mind is a crazy thing. If I just was strong enough to turn it over to God and let him…..Maybe this small health set back was the only way He was able to say, “Yo, DeAnn, I’m here. I’m in control. Let it go and let me.”
Surgery is the most positive thing I have done in my life behind accepting Christ. To throw it all away for old bad habits and think it made me feel better is my 1st mistake. Feelings are momentary and situational. The healthy eating, healthy lifestyle filled with exercise, good food, positive thinking and positive momentum is the only way. Being led by God in that journey is where I made my progress for a year. I chose to take it all back to my own doing. I guess I didn’t take care of it myself too well, huh? So today we start a new journey. I will pick up where I left off—holding tight to God and letting him lead me. “Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own”
It will require from me to keep my calories in correct amount, keeping my carbs at 30g a meal (not an item), my protein at 70-85 a day. The protein is not a problem for me. Yes I can tolerate sugar, but I can’t eat it. Therefore 6g or less of sugar. It is up to me to rely on God by asking him to keep my emotional eating and my emotional warfare (guilt, rationalizing, giving in, etc) in tact. Only he can do it! Control by my own means is only an illusion. I lose every time.
I am at step one again. Clean slate, clear goals, clean plate! A smaller plate with real portions and purer foods.
Let the journey reconvene.
Failure?
I never encountered it.
All I ever met were temporary setbacks.
~Dottie Walters~
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